In addition, the body language of sadness can also send signals to other people that we need support. Once you start to see the various functions of emotion, said Kross, “it becomes a lot easier to understand the role they play in our lives and in our kids’ lives.”
Kross also wants kids to know that “there are parts of your emotional experience that you can’t control and parts that you can.” For example, we can’t control the automatic emotional response we feel when we hear a startling noise. But once that emotion is activated, we can “shift it around – that’s where we have agency.”
Kross told me that sometimes he will choose not to shift a difficult emotion. For example, if he has a really important deadline, he will feel some anxiety – but he doesn’t want to push away that feeling because it can help him focus. “The emotion is driving me to prepare. You don’t want to necessarily turn that off, but you want to turn down its amplitude.”
Intensity and Duration of Emotions
So when do we use the emotional regulation tools or step in to help kids use them?
“It’s when the emotion gets too big or lasts too long,” said Kross. ”Those are the two telltale signs that your emotions may require some regulation.” This is a useful barometer for parents too: we don’t want to shield kids from difficult emotions, but we do want to keep an eye on the intensity and duration of their emotional storms.
Shifting emotions is not about suppressing or denying our feelings, but rather about knowing that we can take steps to “change the trajectory” when our feelings are interfering with our goals or wellbeing, according to Kross.
When it comes to managing our emotional lives “there are no one-size-fits-all solutions,” says Kross. People often press him to name the top two or three regulation strategies, but his research has found that there is enormous variability in which tools benefit which people. And “not only different people,” he said, “but even the same person. The tools they benefited from on day one were often different from the tools they benefited from on day two or day five.” Having, and experimenting with, a diverse set of tools can strengthen our ability to lead emotionally healthy lives.
Using Your Senses to Navigate Emotions
Kross’s book describes several research-based strategies for shifting, including one that gets too little attention: Our sensory system. Humans use their five senses to quickly assess and make sense of their environment. “This is as primitive as you get,” said Kross. “We need to know whether to go back to approach or avoid things.” Because of their role in keeping us safe, our senses are intimately linked with the brain’s emotional networks. So when we smell something rotting, that can almost instantly elicit a disgust response. When we hear a beautiful birdsong or see a sunset, we can quickly feel awe or wonder. “Even touch,” said Kross. “Like warm and fuzzy things as opposed to cold and rough. All of these sensations are pushing your emotions around really, really fast. Knowing what to approach and what to avoid is fundamental for us being successful in this world.”
This close, unconscious connection between senses and emotions means that we can consciously use our senses to support our emotional well being. “Think about filling your home with the right smells and putting the right music on in the background? These are effortless things we can do to shift emotions around and it’s an untapped resource.”
As the parent of adolescents, Kross embraces the DJ role. If he needs to shift a mood, he might put on Taylor Swift in the car, or even jazz it up more by singing or dancing along, and create something that’s “just ridiculous and so that amplifies the emotional experience.” Preschool teachers understand the power of a good “strategy song,” like the clean-up song, to turn a drudging task into a playful moment.
When children are experiencing an intense emotion, some of the proven strategies – like deep breathing or journaling – may feel out of reach to kids. These techniques require effort or following steps. Working with the sensory system, in contrast, can be an initial way to more effortlessly dial down the emotion. In this way, our senses offer “incidental tools for managing emotions.”
Parents can use the sensory network to subtly support kids emotions in ways that “fly totally under the radar,” said Kross. Think about lighting a favorite scented candle while the kids are doing homework, rubbing their back as you sit together on the couch, dimming the lights during bathtime, or tucking a soft stuffed animal into their arms as they go to sleep. Again, there is no one-size-fits-all. When they are emotionally activated, some kids crave physically pressure – like a bear hug or a weighted blanket – while others may bristle at contact and find the sensation of bouncing on a mini-trampoline or swinging more soothing.
Parents can engage their kids and teens in thinking about sensory tools. What songs might go on a “I’m feeling _____” playlist? What physical sensations can boost their mood? What sights and tastes and smells do they find comforting or restorative? And of course, going outside into nature activates all five senses, which is one reason time in nature correlates with mental health.
Modeling Emotional Regulation
As parents, we are sometimes so focused on our children’s needs that we sometimes forget that “leading others starts with leading yourself effectively,” said Kross. “Focusing on how to manage your own emotions is, I would argue, an important first step for helping your kids manage their emotions.” This is true for two reasons. First, children are observational learners. “So if we are keeping our emotions in the right proportions in different circumstances, they’re implicitly learning, ‘Oh, that’s how you do this well,’ as opposed to if you see people flying off the handle in really big ways that may not be productive,” said Kross.
